it's been way to long

I want to write out how I feel, what I need, what happens during the day and so forth. But I cannot bring myself to do it all the time. First off no one reads this whiney garbage and secondly I guess I have been too depressed to do anything like that.

I decided last night to tell the love how I felt and well.... I said I am sick of being sick and sick of fighting it. I dont want to fight it anymore. He asked if I would rather not be living and I couldnt answer him. Most times during the day I feel I would rather just go, I am in so much pain most of the day and when I am having a good day (which is rare), I feel like I am pushing the good day forward - like I am not really happy.

I'll try to write more... sometime.

Sleep

I keep having go take naps or end up being a zombie all day. It is spring break and decided tomorrow (Rather today) we are going to do something. So I went to sleep early. I woke up at around 2 am to make sure everyone was asleep, now I keep having this nagging feeling and am uncomfortable in my chest.

So my thoughts keep going to "am I going to die". Seriously I am not ready for that, I am not ready to leave my kids yet, I am not ready to NOT be around. What would happen to my family, how cna my babies grow up without a mom. I am scared, I havent been feeling "well" for a few days. I have started taking my meds again - religiously. And am drinking more fluids. I just cant get this nagging feeling out of my head.

Maybe it's because it has been nearly a year and my body/mind is just messed up or maybe it's legit. Either way it needs to go away, I can't do it, I CANT be sick again.

So in about 8 hours I will be taking my kids out and I will be spending time with them. I wont be pussy footing around waiting for something.

I know now what my grandfather was going through when he asked me to just sit with him as he lay on his bed. He just wanted someone there because he too did not feel well.

I Love you Grandpa but am not ready to join you yet! Please help me get through this, I need to be here with my two beautiful monkeys!! They still need me!!!

April Fools

I ain't no fool. I know my daughter will respond with the same trick she has done for the past 3 years. "There's a spider on your head". I on the other hand don't par take in April's Foolery anymore. For some reason it doesn't tickle my fancy. Weird.

April first... 12 days till our son is a year old, I think I have just about everything. I haven't figured out the cake I want to make for him yet but I am close. I am excited for him, He isnt walking yet, he wants too but he is kinda lazy. Three steps at Christmas and two steps a few weeks ago but nothing lately. One day he will get up and sprint, then there is no stopping him.

Handsome's Mom is coming out in 13 days, yep the day after the baby turns a year old. She will be here for 5 days or so and will be cooking. I am excited she is a sweet lady. Plus she will be here for Baby K's party. Grandma D is really excited too, yesterday she said she wasn't going to put him down the whole time she is up here and also asked if we had a rocking chair. She can't wait to hold him - for the first time.

My Dad said he was going to come out in late August, basically when Handsome's Grandparents are going to be out. Yeah, it's funny I get to drive to BC to pick them up because I am the only one with a valid passport. I get to pick them up and drive them back. I am looking forward to it. I apparently am going to be 'grilled'. Sounds exciting.

I am trying to get my mom to come up and visit in July, not sure if it will work but if she comes and visits for awhile, then maybe she can take Van back with her and have some much needed quality time. When my dad comes up he can bring her back. I guess it all depends on them. I think it would be good for Savannah, better then a Girl Scout Camp in so many ways.

I am feeling alright, not sleeping much - these dreams drive me crazy and I don't want to say anything because then I look like a bitchy retard. I just wish they would stop - part of it is the "other" reality when I was in a coma. I am waking up in a cold sweat looking for my kids, then it takes forever to get back to sleep. Then there are dreams of the doctors taking me into surgery or something. Someone was trying to stick something up my nose, another down my throat while someone was pushing something threw my arm - it all just gets scary. If that is what happened I kinda dont want to know. I wake up and I am alone in a hospital room - it's quiet except for the machine that keeps beeping. It would be nice to just sleep like I use too.

Well, I guess that is all for now.

Energy?!?

I felt so accomplished yesterday. It was payday so that meant getting checks putting them into the bank and then running errands. After the bank we went to Target and bought some stuff we needed. Then went to lunch at Five Guys which was funny because the guys yell in the back and Little Kevin would lean forward and scream back at them. It was awesome. After lunch it was time for Fred Meyers. Not everyone knows the store so let me school yah on it. Fred Meyers is Target, Ralphs (without the high prices), Zellers, Radio Shack and Lowes all together. The Guys and I did the grocery shopping and then they dropped me off at H&R Block so I could get our taxes done. After they unloaded they picked me up and I retrived Savannah from school.

That was yesterday - got a ton done and was able to have a great dinner with the fam.

Today though is another story. I didnt want to get out of bed, but I did. I fed the boy and then put him back to sleep. I am somewhat listening as Savannah cleans upstairs. I feel more stressed today because it is Cleaning Saturday. Kevin is still asleep. Oh how I wish for sleep but I am at that point where my body wants to sleep but my mind - she is awake.

I think I am going to go outside and clean Little K's wagon, maybe look into cutting the grass. It's Spring and we have people coming to visit.

Kevin's mom will be here the day after Little K's first birthday, she will be enjoying the party Saturday. My mom is going to come up in July I think. Kevin's Grandparents and my dad are coming up the end of August.

I want the house spotless. It's the neat freak in me, but I just dont have the energy.

But things are looking up. I owe the IRS around $800 which is better then what I owed them yesterday morning. The kids are healthy, I am staying as healthy as I can and the guys are being awesome at keeping everyone at bay. I am hoping we will have a new car by the end of August - fingers crossed - and we will be moving June/July 2012.

Last time I wrote on this blog was 6 days before my son was due. Wow what happened since. I posted a few things that I had put over on facebook but this - this is from me.

My son will be a year old in 22 days. He is starting to stand alone and has such a fabulous sense of humor. He was born April 13, 2010 weighing in at 12 pounds. I love him so much, I love him like I love my daughter - words cannot describe how much I love them. Anyway he is getting big. Doesn't seem that long but then again what do I know - I was unable to be with him for the first two months. That really screws with ones emotions, it makes you doubt yourself and feel helpless. I cannot see how people adopt babies - not feeling then grow inside or spending the first couple weeks cuddled in bed. Just there with each other.

My wound is healed, I have some of the nastiest scars. Then again I have an ass on my stomache. The kids laugh, kinda makes me feel better but not really. My hair has fallen out but its growing back nicely or at least I am told. My insides are wacked out. My abdominal wall isnt growing back together and my heart isnt healthy enough to do much of anything. I enjoy shopping and even that is limited.

But onto good things. My kids are healthy, I have an awesome support system. I am talking to my mom again and I started on my blog again. Now to continue it.

Let's cross our fingers and hope for fries!!

5 months

It has been 5 months since our son was born, our precious 12 pounder, 5 months since my bowel was cut. Almost 5 months from when the Dr's realized why I was so ill and rushed me in to have me "repaired".

I am still healing on the outside, a small wound that keeps getting smaller and a huge scar. I am not so much healing on the inside. I am still depressed and frequently cry. Everyone in the family seems fine, life is moving on.

Why am I writing this, why erged me out of bed at 4:15 am - I can tell you it wasn't our son. It isn't that we have a busy schedule today. It's because I have made a very hard decision and I need to explain.

About a month and a half ago, I was brushing my hair and I was getting more then usual out. I figured it was nothing, and continued with my hair ritual -- brush, wash and put up. I have worn my hair pretty much the same way since elementary. There has always been so much of it. In the past month and a half I have lost a good amount of hair, to the point where I have bald patches.

Saying that makes me cry, thinking about it makes me cry. The mear thought of washing my hair makes me depressed beyond words. There is no way a Doctor or any amount of medicine can fix this, and I cannot keep hoping it magically grows back overnight because it wont. I realize that now.

Not only has 2 months been taken away but my body has been damaged, I have massive emotional issues (I hide pretty well most of the time), I have heart problems, I can no longer have children (yes I am very thankful for my two), daily memory loss, speech issues (I will think I am saying one thing and it comes out jumbled), I take over 20 pills a day to "help" get better, I am on a high protein diet, so many other issues and to top it off -- my hair looks like a middle aged man.

I don't know what else to do, so in a few minutes -- before my family gets up I am going to shave my head. Hopefully when it grows back it will be as beautiful and thick as it has been in the past.

I truly hate you Dr. Madsen, you have ruined me!

This is what happened

As most of you know April 13, 2010 was an awesome day for our family. Kevin Scott was born via a scheduled c-section. This little guy was 12 pounds even at birth and a little over 22 inches. His head measured 15 inches in circumference. After being taken out of me and shown to us the nurses rushed him to the nursery because his blood sugar was low. Kevin being the great daddy he is went with our little guy to watch over him. I was fixed up and taken to recovery.

Kevin would come to recovery with pictures of the baby and show me and then would go back to our baby. I was in recovery for a little over an hour, I had to have a couple heating blankets put on because I was so cold I had uncontrollable shaking. After recovery the nurses brought me in to see our baby in the nursery. My heart melted as soon as I saw him. I sat and held him for nearly an hour and then I started feeling tired. I was taken to my room where I had my vitals checked and all that good stuff. They took my temperature and I had a slight fever.

At feeding times they would bring the baby in for us to feed him, once they came and woke Kevin up in the middle of the night so he could go feed him. Lil Kev likes to eat!!

I started getting really sick - bad fever and body aches - I was told by a nurse I had the flu so the Lil Kev was not allowed in the room. This was very depressing - especially because my fever was getting worse and my body was shutting down.

A couple days after having Lil Kev I was taken in for a CT scan and they had found a nick in my small intestine which occurred during the c-section. I was taken up to ICU and this is the point I cannot really say anymore from what I remember.

What I am told is that I was in Septic Shock from the nicked intestine and I was close to death. I had emergency surgery. I was cut from 5 inches from the bottom of my breasts to nearly my waist. I had all of my organs taken out and rinsed off and my internal cavity rinsed out. They repaired the nick in my bowl which was 2 centimeters. I was left open for a couple days so the surgeon could go back in and rinse me out again.

I lost time - I want to say about a week or so I don’t remember. I remember waking up in the third floor room with pain in my lower abdomen from the c-section and horrible pain on my belly. I also woke up to this vacuum noise. After the surgeon closed me up she put this equipment called a wound vac on my wound. It sucks nasty infectious fluid out of the would and promotes blood to raise to the tissues. This machine will help me heal faster and with a better looking scare.

I had another CT scan done and the Doctors found fluid collecting in my abdomen, so they decided to put drains in. I now have three tubes sticking out my left side, attached to those tubes are bags that collect fluid.

When in having all this stuff happen the Doctor’s and Nurse’s screwed up three iv’s one of which has left me with little sensation in my thumb and pointer finger on my left hand. I had bruises up and down my arms and on my feet from them trying to find a vein to stick another iv. It proved unsuccessful so they decided to put a Power Pic in. It is like an iv except it is a tube that is placed under the skin on the inner part of your upper arm and the tube goes across your chest and stops right before your heart. I have to say I like the Pic - all the iv meds go in and they can take blood out - no needles anywhere else.

There is a lot more that has happened but this is the major stuff. I was in the hospital for 3 weeks and 2 days, I was unable to see the kids most of that time, not until the last week was I allowed to have them visit.

The hospital released me last Thursday to a Health and Rehabilitation Center where I will be spending the next 4-6 weeks (or however long it takes my mid section to heal). I see the kids nearly every day and I am getting better at walking and breathing every day.

I am allowed to get mail and visitors (4680 Cordata Parkway, Bellingham, WA 98226).

I am sorry for not letting people know sooner but as you can see I was not in my right mind. I do want you all to know that Baby Kevin is doing awesome, he is a month old and weighs 13 lbs. He is focusing more with his eyes and is getting pretty good with his head control. Kevin is doing fantastic as a father, you can see the love and devotion he has for our son!

Everyday will be a battle to get better but because of my kids and the support I have from Family and friends, it will be won!