Battle of the Belly

Thats right, it is battle of the belly time. It is looking like I am going to need another round of surgery on my abdomen due to my belly not healing properly and now I have a large hernia. Fabulous. I am trying my hardest to keep my head up and just "keep swimming" but its feeling impossible.
At least we know ahead of time that there is surgery in the future - to what extent we are unsure of- so I am getting things in line so there wont be that much out of place.
I am updating my will, at 29 who would have thought I would have a will and living testament - sadly I have had one for almost 9 years now. The guys are aware of what I want done with the kids - which was the biggest issue.

Other then that, things are going alright. The boy has been sick for over a week, not sure with what, but he has it coming out of both ends. Amazing what kids go through when they are sick. The girl is doing well. We have been doing family counseling for almost a month now and it seems to be helping... kinda, almost, maybe.

The guys are fine - sleeping when they can and bustin their hump to get things done.

it's been way to long

I want to write out how I feel, what I need, what happens during the day and so forth. But I cannot bring myself to do it all the time. First off no one reads this whiney garbage and secondly I guess I have been too depressed to do anything like that.

I decided last night to tell the love how I felt and well.... I said I am sick of being sick and sick of fighting it. I dont want to fight it anymore. He asked if I would rather not be living and I couldnt answer him. Most times during the day I feel I would rather just go, I am in so much pain most of the day and when I am having a good day (which is rare), I feel like I am pushing the good day forward - like I am not really happy.

I'll try to write more... sometime.

Sleep

I keep having go take naps or end up being a zombie all day. It is spring break and decided tomorrow (Rather today) we are going to do something. So I went to sleep early. I woke up at around 2 am to make sure everyone was asleep, now I keep having this nagging feeling and am uncomfortable in my chest.

So my thoughts keep going to "am I going to die". Seriously I am not ready for that, I am not ready to leave my kids yet, I am not ready to NOT be around. What would happen to my family, how cna my babies grow up without a mom. I am scared, I havent been feeling "well" for a few days. I have started taking my meds again - religiously. And am drinking more fluids. I just cant get this nagging feeling out of my head.

Maybe it's because it has been nearly a year and my body/mind is just messed up or maybe it's legit. Either way it needs to go away, I can't do it, I CANT be sick again.

So in about 8 hours I will be taking my kids out and I will be spending time with them. I wont be pussy footing around waiting for something.

I know now what my grandfather was going through when he asked me to just sit with him as he lay on his bed. He just wanted someone there because he too did not feel well.

I Love you Grandpa but am not ready to join you yet! Please help me get through this, I need to be here with my two beautiful monkeys!! They still need me!!!

April Fools

I ain't no fool. I know my daughter will respond with the same trick she has done for the past 3 years. "There's a spider on your head". I on the other hand don't par take in April's Foolery anymore. For some reason it doesn't tickle my fancy. Weird.

April first... 12 days till our son is a year old, I think I have just about everything. I haven't figured out the cake I want to make for him yet but I am close. I am excited for him, He isnt walking yet, he wants too but he is kinda lazy. Three steps at Christmas and two steps a few weeks ago but nothing lately. One day he will get up and sprint, then there is no stopping him.

Handsome's Mom is coming out in 13 days, yep the day after the baby turns a year old. She will be here for 5 days or so and will be cooking. I am excited she is a sweet lady. Plus she will be here for Baby K's party. Grandma D is really excited too, yesterday she said she wasn't going to put him down the whole time she is up here and also asked if we had a rocking chair. She can't wait to hold him - for the first time.

My Dad said he was going to come out in late August, basically when Handsome's Grandparents are going to be out. Yeah, it's funny I get to drive to BC to pick them up because I am the only one with a valid passport. I get to pick them up and drive them back. I am looking forward to it. I apparently am going to be 'grilled'. Sounds exciting.

I am trying to get my mom to come up and visit in July, not sure if it will work but if she comes and visits for awhile, then maybe she can take Van back with her and have some much needed quality time. When my dad comes up he can bring her back. I guess it all depends on them. I think it would be good for Savannah, better then a Girl Scout Camp in so many ways.

I am feeling alright, not sleeping much - these dreams drive me crazy and I don't want to say anything because then I look like a bitchy retard. I just wish they would stop - part of it is the "other" reality when I was in a coma. I am waking up in a cold sweat looking for my kids, then it takes forever to get back to sleep. Then there are dreams of the doctors taking me into surgery or something. Someone was trying to stick something up my nose, another down my throat while someone was pushing something threw my arm - it all just gets scary. If that is what happened I kinda dont want to know. I wake up and I am alone in a hospital room - it's quiet except for the machine that keeps beeping. It would be nice to just sleep like I use too.

Well, I guess that is all for now.

Energy?!?

I felt so accomplished yesterday. It was payday so that meant getting checks putting them into the bank and then running errands. After the bank we went to Target and bought some stuff we needed. Then went to lunch at Five Guys which was funny because the guys yell in the back and Little Kevin would lean forward and scream back at them. It was awesome. After lunch it was time for Fred Meyers. Not everyone knows the store so let me school yah on it. Fred Meyers is Target, Ralphs (without the high prices), Zellers, Radio Shack and Lowes all together. The Guys and I did the grocery shopping and then they dropped me off at H&R Block so I could get our taxes done. After they unloaded they picked me up and I retrived Savannah from school.

That was yesterday - got a ton done and was able to have a great dinner with the fam.

Today though is another story. I didnt want to get out of bed, but I did. I fed the boy and then put him back to sleep. I am somewhat listening as Savannah cleans upstairs. I feel more stressed today because it is Cleaning Saturday. Kevin is still asleep. Oh how I wish for sleep but I am at that point where my body wants to sleep but my mind - she is awake.

I think I am going to go outside and clean Little K's wagon, maybe look into cutting the grass. It's Spring and we have people coming to visit.

Kevin's mom will be here the day after Little K's first birthday, she will be enjoying the party Saturday. My mom is going to come up in July I think. Kevin's Grandparents and my dad are coming up the end of August.

I want the house spotless. It's the neat freak in me, but I just dont have the energy.

But things are looking up. I owe the IRS around $800 which is better then what I owed them yesterday morning. The kids are healthy, I am staying as healthy as I can and the guys are being awesome at keeping everyone at bay. I am hoping we will have a new car by the end of August - fingers crossed - and we will be moving June/July 2012.

Last time I wrote on this blog was 6 days before my son was due. Wow what happened since. I posted a few things that I had put over on facebook but this - this is from me.

My son will be a year old in 22 days. He is starting to stand alone and has such a fabulous sense of humor. He was born April 13, 2010 weighing in at 12 pounds. I love him so much, I love him like I love my daughter - words cannot describe how much I love them. Anyway he is getting big. Doesn't seem that long but then again what do I know - I was unable to be with him for the first two months. That really screws with ones emotions, it makes you doubt yourself and feel helpless. I cannot see how people adopt babies - not feeling then grow inside or spending the first couple weeks cuddled in bed. Just there with each other.

My wound is healed, I have some of the nastiest scars. Then again I have an ass on my stomache. The kids laugh, kinda makes me feel better but not really. My hair has fallen out but its growing back nicely or at least I am told. My insides are wacked out. My abdominal wall isnt growing back together and my heart isnt healthy enough to do much of anything. I enjoy shopping and even that is limited.

But onto good things. My kids are healthy, I have an awesome support system. I am talking to my mom again and I started on my blog again. Now to continue it.

Let's cross our fingers and hope for fries!!

5 months

It has been 5 months since our son was born, our precious 12 pounder, 5 months since my bowel was cut. Almost 5 months from when the Dr's realized why I was so ill and rushed me in to have me "repaired".

I am still healing on the outside, a small wound that keeps getting smaller and a huge scar. I am not so much healing on the inside. I am still depressed and frequently cry. Everyone in the family seems fine, life is moving on.

Why am I writing this, why erged me out of bed at 4:15 am - I can tell you it wasn't our son. It isn't that we have a busy schedule today. It's because I have made a very hard decision and I need to explain.

About a month and a half ago, I was brushing my hair and I was getting more then usual out. I figured it was nothing, and continued with my hair ritual -- brush, wash and put up. I have worn my hair pretty much the same way since elementary. There has always been so much of it. In the past month and a half I have lost a good amount of hair, to the point where I have bald patches.

Saying that makes me cry, thinking about it makes me cry. The mear thought of washing my hair makes me depressed beyond words. There is no way a Doctor or any amount of medicine can fix this, and I cannot keep hoping it magically grows back overnight because it wont. I realize that now.

Not only has 2 months been taken away but my body has been damaged, I have massive emotional issues (I hide pretty well most of the time), I have heart problems, I can no longer have children (yes I am very thankful for my two), daily memory loss, speech issues (I will think I am saying one thing and it comes out jumbled), I take over 20 pills a day to "help" get better, I am on a high protein diet, so many other issues and to top it off -- my hair looks like a middle aged man.

I don't know what else to do, so in a few minutes -- before my family gets up I am going to shave my head. Hopefully when it grows back it will be as beautiful and thick as it has been in the past.

I truly hate you Dr. Madsen, you have ruined me!