Sleep

I keep having go take naps or end up being a zombie all day. It is spring break and decided tomorrow (Rather today) we are going to do something. So I went to sleep early. I woke up at around 2 am to make sure everyone was asleep, now I keep having this nagging feeling and am uncomfortable in my chest.

So my thoughts keep going to "am I going to die". Seriously I am not ready for that, I am not ready to leave my kids yet, I am not ready to NOT be around. What would happen to my family, how cna my babies grow up without a mom. I am scared, I havent been feeling "well" for a few days. I have started taking my meds again - religiously. And am drinking more fluids. I just cant get this nagging feeling out of my head.

Maybe it's because it has been nearly a year and my body/mind is just messed up or maybe it's legit. Either way it needs to go away, I can't do it, I CANT be sick again.

So in about 8 hours I will be taking my kids out and I will be spending time with them. I wont be pussy footing around waiting for something.

I know now what my grandfather was going through when he asked me to just sit with him as he lay on his bed. He just wanted someone there because he too did not feel well.

I Love you Grandpa but am not ready to join you yet! Please help me get through this, I need to be here with my two beautiful monkeys!! They still need me!!!

April Fools

I ain't no fool. I know my daughter will respond with the same trick she has done for the past 3 years. "There's a spider on your head". I on the other hand don't par take in April's Foolery anymore. For some reason it doesn't tickle my fancy. Weird.

April first... 12 days till our son is a year old, I think I have just about everything. I haven't figured out the cake I want to make for him yet but I am close. I am excited for him, He isnt walking yet, he wants too but he is kinda lazy. Three steps at Christmas and two steps a few weeks ago but nothing lately. One day he will get up and sprint, then there is no stopping him.

Handsome's Mom is coming out in 13 days, yep the day after the baby turns a year old. She will be here for 5 days or so and will be cooking. I am excited she is a sweet lady. Plus she will be here for Baby K's party. Grandma D is really excited too, yesterday she said she wasn't going to put him down the whole time she is up here and also asked if we had a rocking chair. She can't wait to hold him - for the first time.

My Dad said he was going to come out in late August, basically when Handsome's Grandparents are going to be out. Yeah, it's funny I get to drive to BC to pick them up because I am the only one with a valid passport. I get to pick them up and drive them back. I am looking forward to it. I apparently am going to be 'grilled'. Sounds exciting.

I am trying to get my mom to come up and visit in July, not sure if it will work but if she comes and visits for awhile, then maybe she can take Van back with her and have some much needed quality time. When my dad comes up he can bring her back. I guess it all depends on them. I think it would be good for Savannah, better then a Girl Scout Camp in so many ways.

I am feeling alright, not sleeping much - these dreams drive me crazy and I don't want to say anything because then I look like a bitchy retard. I just wish they would stop - part of it is the "other" reality when I was in a coma. I am waking up in a cold sweat looking for my kids, then it takes forever to get back to sleep. Then there are dreams of the doctors taking me into surgery or something. Someone was trying to stick something up my nose, another down my throat while someone was pushing something threw my arm - it all just gets scary. If that is what happened I kinda dont want to know. I wake up and I am alone in a hospital room - it's quiet except for the machine that keeps beeping. It would be nice to just sleep like I use too.

Well, I guess that is all for now.