It has been 5 months since our son was born, our precious 12 pounder, 5 months since my bowel was cut. Almost 5 months from when the Dr's realized why I was so ill and rushed me in to have me "repaired".
I am still healing on the outside, a small wound that keeps getting smaller and a huge scar. I am not so much healing on the inside. I am still depressed and frequently cry. Everyone in the family seems fine, life is moving on.
Why am I writing this, why erged me out of bed at 4:15 am - I can tell you it wasn't our son. It isn't that we have a busy schedule today. It's because I have made a very hard decision and I need to explain.
About a month and a half ago, I was brushing my hair and I was getting more then usual out. I figured it was nothing, and continued with my hair ritual -- brush, wash and put up. I have worn my hair pretty much the same way since elementary. There has always been so much of it. In the past month and a half I have lost a good amount of hair, to the point where I have bald patches.
Saying that makes me cry, thinking about it makes me cry. The mear thought of washing my hair makes me depressed beyond words. There is no way a Doctor or any amount of medicine can fix this, and I cannot keep hoping it magically grows back overnight because it wont. I realize that now.
Not only has 2 months been taken away but my body has been damaged, I have massive emotional issues (I hide pretty well most of the time), I have heart problems, I can no longer have children (yes I am very thankful for my two), daily memory loss, speech issues (I will think I am saying one thing and it comes out jumbled), I take over 20 pills a day to "help" get better, I am on a high protein diet, so many other issues and to top it off -- my hair looks like a middle aged man.
I don't know what else to do, so in a few minutes -- before my family gets up I am going to shave my head. Hopefully when it grows back it will be as beautiful and thick as it has been in the past.
I truly hate you Dr. Madsen, you have ruined me!
